Who the hell is Chris Engesser

Welcome to the abyss of the mystery of the unknown. Who is Chris Engesser?

Who the hell is Chris Engesser? It is a question that has haunted humanity throughout the ages. More so than the meaning of life, men and women alike have scoured the earth in search of a glimpse of a smidgen of a taste of a tiny clue as to the answer of this question. What is he like? What makes him tick? Where does he do the things he does? WHAT does he do? Is it true that he can create a rock so heavy that even he cannot lift it? Why is he so mysterious? Can a lock of his hair cure cancer? How do you pronounce his last name, anyway? Yes, these and many more questions surrounded this enigmatic soul.

This question was first posed during medieval times. King Richard the Lion Hearted, having heard that the answer may lie in the holy land, started the crusades against the Moorish hoards he believed were hiding the truth. Alas, when it was discovered that Chris Engesser was not even alive yet, Europe was thrown into the chaos that became known as “The Dark Ages.” Many years passed until “The Renaissance” when artists and scholars gave life to the notion that though Chris may not yet live, he will eventually. Mountains of art and literature depicting the future trials and exploits of Chris Engesser would spawn an age of enlightenment. Unfortunately, all of these magnificent works were lost in The Great Italian Warehouse Fire of 1462.

Wars, squabbles, catfights, and petty bickering followed until the British monarchy forbade all discussion of Chris Engesser. Outraged, a rag-tag band of puritans decided to put the Atlantic Ocean between themselves and their tyrannical king. So began America. With a little pluck and a lot of moxie, the pilgrims turned their philosophical hobby into a full-fledged nation. They grew crops, built towns, burned witches, rode horses, killed Indians, wore pointy oversized novelty hats, and continued in their quest to answer the most fundamental of all questions: Who the hell is Chris Engesser?

Time passed. The pilgrims died out and the question was all but lost. A secret society known as the Free Masons was formed to keep the question alive. More time passed until a southerner named Jefferson Davis found what he believed to be the answer. Emboldened by his discovery, Davis decided to use the answer’s power to create a new nation: JeffersonDavisoniabergvilletonstein (later renamed the Confederacy). Davis’ obsession would split our fragile democracy in two. Abe Lincoln, angry that he did not possess the answer for himself, waged war with the Confederates. Epic battles were fought, cities were burned, and spoiled southern belles vowed never to go hungry again. Long story short, Lincoln defeated Davis. Shortly after his victory, Lincoln discovered that Davis was in fact bi-polar and never actually had the answer. Needing a pick-me-up, Lincoln went to see a play he had heard was funny. The mystery of Chris Engesser continued.

The search for answers provoked the Cuban Missile Crisis, The Vietnam War, disco fever, pet rocks, and Jimmy Carter. Finally, at 5:35 a.m. on October 12, 1976, Chris Engesser was born. Here, within this humble website, lie some true answers to the question, which has preoccupied humankind for centuries. Utilize the navigation bar above if you dare.

The profile page contains nasty little details about Chris' likes, dislikes, etc. The 'My Goals' page contains insight into his insidious plans for global media domination. 'Rants' is a page dedicated to his argumentative nature. The 'Essays' page includes a few of Chris' written works, which display the progress he has made as a writer since attending KSU. Both the 'Resume' and 'Links' pages are pretty self-explanatory. The information listed on this website is true to the best of Chris Engesser's knowledge (with the fair exception of the entire rambling nonsense above). Names and locations have not been changed to protect the innocent.